WTF!!! "Stay away from my wife!" His lover is not a problem at all to me. My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. Conflicts are This was in June of 2017 . As much as I can move on, take responsibility, or as many times as I can apologize to my lover's wife (which I did), that kind of experience lives with you and takes up residence in your soul. You will get through this. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. Rick's comment that people affair down, not up, is very interesting & my guess is that he's right. spouse. H was a truck driver and she his dispatcher. It is better that I know him. And go by Rickys advice, I agree 100% it is effective. To protect her. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. Why? I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. Or am I simply deluding myself? We've turned a page. His wife pleaded with me to not contact him until she could serve him with the divorce papers because being a very high profile person in our small town that if word got out it would ruin his reputation and he would have no reason to sign the papers that would have meant a very large settlement to her. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. Anyway , He did lie about most everything that I ask about and said he couldn't remember any details . I'd also add that if she's cheated this early into the relationshipthen honestly your chances of being married to a potential serial cheater are pretty high. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. Have your lawyer write a no contact letter. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. Or will your spouse feel sorry for his or her lover? As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). The are so arrogant when they had the affair. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. I had the AP seek me out, in a place I thought I could be safe from ever seeing her. altogether. Copyright PUNCH. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). I never responded after that. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. But I would never answer the call. Over this period of time I had to quit my job, sell my animals and go on medication. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. Really man, get some self-respect. Not addressed to him but the office. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. Just what I needed to hear. Youre as naive as they come. I was drained and ready to move on. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. Pointing and laughing? I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. If you need more information about the affair(s), hire a private investigator or become a computer snoop. They might actually be crazy. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che It might also extend to the rules of law. I Literally just gave birth to his child and we live together. As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. If its possible, I dont want to lose that. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. You do not need that. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" We all live in the same city..a small one..ugh! You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. Consider the source. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. People get ugly. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. Any how. When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. Hugs all around. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. I don't blame her. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Being in an affair has been likened to addiction, and in confronting the affair partner, you're trying to sober them up. When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. What youre going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. I'll never know for sure. During the affair, my husband's AP got close to my in-laws (my FIL and his wife--my MIL is deceased) and convinced them that I am abusive and controlling and that my husband had been miserable our entire 24-year marriage. I expect no apologies, no truth, no remorse. She does not deserve the recognition. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? I confronted my husband's affair partner. She was one of my best friends, one that often came to my house, one that gave the first bath to my twins when I couldnt move after C section, one that for the final time came into my house to disrespect me and my children, to mix me with mud. Could they still be seeing each other? Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. Two days later because I was in the same town as she was I text her and asked if she would be willing to meet for coffee. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . I have a public image to protect. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? You clearly know that. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. Never. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. My wife will even marry the man. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. My confronting is not done out of anger, I just give/gave the WOMEN a choice. That's totally permitted, however. Do not fight around him or anything. I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. She's getting a high off two men fighting for her. That was certainly true in our situation. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. Do you want to end the affair? Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. You haven't even been M that long! My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may It still hurts and I need to move on. Again he didn't reply. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! of which is counseling (see counseling resources). So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . For some, it will be driven by a need to get the compulsion out of their head. But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. WebMy wife is in love with another man. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. You deserve to be a man again. I atoned for my actions. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. I agree with this article. It's all good. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. My H and her had very similar personality. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. I really see no need to address such issue. Hard to not want to confront him. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. If you really think she will change then I have huge admiration for you, but it'll be a rough journey and you need to be able to be open with each other. THAT was my mistake. That hurt. I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. I thought she would move after he passed. Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. And in the other case, narcissistic people don't think the rules apply to them -- and that doesn't stop at poaching your spouse. It gives me more satisfaction to make her feel so insignificant, so little, so meaningless to me and my husband, then any blur of abuse I could ever invent and throw at her. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. I wish you all strength. I want to stay married. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. Your identity and who you are has changed. Always a way out. Readying it for sail again. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. We CAN FINALLY move forward! Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. So confronting an affair partner? We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. roll out! If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? I feel like I have been run over by a train. Plus, others opinions will confuse you. I insisted on being told the truth or she was to It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. His jig was officially up. He just needs to do it. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. It is only a mad man that will do that. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. It didnt seem to bother her that he was lying to her - she just said what fun he must be having sleeping with us both. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? For me, it has helped immensely. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. Do not tell her how you know. October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. She was just trying to "rescue him." @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? A person who doesnt live in reality. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? The most common rationale is that you are sexless and crazy. I dont have any business with the man. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. - I was a complete gentleman - truth. I have been in a similar situation like this before. As a person of faith I dug deep and clung tightly to my identity in Christ. She wants out? Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. Told her to call him and tell him HER HUSBAND wants to talk to him. TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. But keeping secrets no. He denies that it became physical but he lied about everything and kept the relationship completely secret for at least three years so Ill never be completely sure. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. It is my wife I have a business with. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it FACK! Do you have a general question youd like to ask? If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. File for divorce dude. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one.
Nevada Department Of Corrections Offender Management Division, Nashua Street Jail Inmate Mail, Glenn Michener Net Worth, Articles C